I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
