The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
