M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just gift wrapped bread.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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