I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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