Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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