One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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