Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
