She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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