Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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