She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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