I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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