my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
