i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
