i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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