a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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