3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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