I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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