anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
