Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
