I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Randomize
