In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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