I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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