If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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