some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
