Michael Bay diarrhea
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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