is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
