Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
