Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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