Three words: puerto rican gang bang
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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