why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
