Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
