its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
