Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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