If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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