I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
