I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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