Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
