We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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