Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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