Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
