textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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