3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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