so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
