Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Holy shit dude........stairs
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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