i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
