so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
my liver is dry heaving
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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