Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
