Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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