Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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