She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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