There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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